Until the weekend, I’d put this severe lack of organisation down to the fact that I’m still working (almost) full-time, telling myself that there’ll be time to sort everything out once I finish work, and I suppose that is still partly the case. But thinking about it, there’s probably another dimension to this lack of preparation and that’s fear!! … Fear of the unknown, fear of change and most of all fear that I wont have the energy to parent two small children? I think I’m burying my head in the sand osterich style because I’m worried I’m not going be able to cope?
Before going back to work, I feel like I had the Mum thing down to a T. I knew when all the local baby classes were, had a strong group of Mum friends who I could call on most days of the week and the car was always packed and loaded ready for whatever adventure tickled our fancy that day. Be it a trip to the park, the farm or one of the National Trust places in our area, whatever the weather we were on it, and managed to get out of the house by 10.00 most mornings! Crikey I even cooked! I look back on that time now and don’t even recognise myself!!
Since then, Ettie has grown into a feisty, crazy, energetic (almost) two year old and I’m worried she’s left me behind! For the past 12 months I’ve been working 5 days a wrek. That means that for 5 days out of 7, I’ve had the luxury of enjoying a hot cappuccino in peace and scrolling the internet at leisure if the mood took my fancy!! What if I’ve spoiled myself with all these little indulgences and I won’t be able to drop back into the hard graft of being a full-time Mum?? She’s been gaining energy and independence by the bucket load, whilst I’ve been sipping hot tea in an office. Throw a tiny new-born baby into the mix, and I just don’t know how we’re ever going to leave the house!
It seems ridiculous having these fears now, I’ve wanted a second baby for so long…, in fact we want another one after this and I’ve had 8 months to prepare!! But now the reality is just around the corner and I’ve seen the ferociousness of a two-year old’s tantrum first hand, I’m a little bit scared about what the future will hold! My mum friends have all returned to work, our house is still undergoing renovations and stupidly I haven’t saved any money to get me through the 9 months of SMP!! I feel like I’m flying round trying to keep all my plates spinning in the air and I haven’t even added the new babies plate to a pole yet!
There’s also the bubbling guilt that my little side kick and best friend in the whole wide world, won’t be my Number 1 anymore – well of course she’ll be my Number 1, but she’ll only be half of it! How does that work? How will I cuddle two children to sleep at bed time and sniff two heads whist we’re cuddled up on the sofa? Also what if she doesn’t need me anymore, because she has a sibling to play kitchens with and share all her secrets and worries? This hits the heart-strings in so many ways, I can’t even write about it, but I know in the long run the joy she’ll get from having a sibling will outweigh any of those fears and so I’m parking those emotions to the side for now.
I’m sure everything will be OK, I know I have a tendency to worry about things before they happen (doesn’t everyone!) and I’m sure we’ll find our rhythm again, but for now I just wanted to record these feelings so I can look back on them and see how I fared up!! It wasn’t ever my plan to go back to work full-time and somewhere along the line I think I’ve fallen out of Mum mode which frustrates me. I know I have a challenge ahead, I just hope I can look back on this in 12 months and think ‘I don’t know what you were worried about’ … but for now, with 7 weeks to go I’m a little bit scared about what the future holds and I just wanted to share that …